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Pages: Another custody question ... what's really best? [1]
Author Topic: Another custody question ... what's really best?
swanzy

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2011-11-27 13-44-22

Another custody question ... what's really best? Hi ... seeking custody advice. Impending divorce, small (xst grade) involved. I did a search through these posts and mainly found "BothMomandDad" (advocated x/x at any cost, including changing jobs, not working overtime, etc.) versus "Incognito" (a fan of joint legal custody with physical custody going to the mother, overtime so he could pay the bills, etc.). Anyway, I love my kid more than I love anything else in the world, yet I need to work overtime (about x or more hours a week total) to pay off massive debt and current bills and stuff. I'm leaning towards the "joint legal custody with physical custody given to the mother" (ample visitation for me, of course). I'm not brainwashed, and not a fan of "bitter divorced man-haters", but I tend to think that ... for the mental health of the mother and , the natural place for a to live is with the person that birthed them (assuming she's a good mother and not a psycho), not bouncing back and forth between homes every other day or whatever. Am I bad father for wanting JLC with visitation instead of a x/x thing? Pay off debts, buy a house, have enough money to pay some support and whatever ... I make a really decent amount of money (it's in the xs ... albeit I'm decidedly blue-collar still). How responsible would it be to get a lower-paying job and work less hours and have a miserably poor and in-debt forever existence just for the sake of this x/x deal? Caveat is I don't have more than a few thousand I can put into this divorce, and neither of us' wants this to be in-court or ugly or anything like that. Property and posessions are of no consequence, she can have it all.
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lawlis

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2012-01-17 1-32-06-

I will offer my opinion...keep in mind it is only my opinion. I am a divorced mom of , younger than yours. His dad and I never went to court and settled everything on our own. Afterall we created this we should be able to decide what is in his best interest and we did and continue to do so as a team. I encourage you to approach your divorce & custody of your in the same manner, it does pay off. I have physical & legal custody of our and his dad has the right to reasonable visiation to be determined by him (dad). He can see his every day or once a week, it's up to him, no pressure. While I don't think he comes around enough, it is his decision. I happen to be a fan of joint legal custody and physical going to the mom. I am probably biased as a woman, but there isn't another bond quite like the between a mother and . Afterall we carry them from the moment of conception and so forth. I do however value very much the role of the father, it is very important. The only reason I do not like the week at mom's and week at dad's is because I think it puts added stress & confusion on ren. Think about if you had to live like that every week, you probably would not like it. My 's father also agrees and does not wish to have this arrangement down the line when our is older. You sound like a very in tune father who really is seeking the best situation for your family and and I commend you for that. It sounds like you will be happier if you stay in your current positon working the OT, thus being able to catch up and not go in to further debt. If you are happier you will be a better father. Property and possesions were not an issue for me either, he kept it all and I am re-building, but I will tell you that we have a great relationship and work really hard on being flexible. I would encourage you to spend any free time you can with your , it is so very important. I hope my son's father visits more and more all the time.
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  • dhan

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    2012-03-28 0-00-08-

    you sound like you are trying to do the right thing overall. And, no you aren't a CAD for going for visitation rights only. Also, its pretty refreshing to have a male post that isn't being "cranky" about support, also it doesn't seem from your post that your XxB hasn't turned this into a horrible "richer or poorer situation" and made you into a bitter monster. Mediation may be the way to go with your divorce...it is a situation that can save you tons of money and since your situation seems aimable this could really work in both you and your XxB favor. Good luck
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  • doughten

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    2012-07-09 6-37-24-

    Hate to break it to you but... You don't get a choice.. Same as you don't get a choice when you live with both parents. My daughter did not want to stay home from pre-school to be with mom. She wanted to go to school with me. But that is not how mom wanted it. You were ren. ren do not get choices on who to be with when. As for your dad being an asshole, just be glad you did not live with him fulltime. I had to live with my mother fulltime when I was younger and she was a real bitch. My sister will vouce for me on that They got stuck living with her all of thier hood. Atleast I was able to get out. And atleast I did not get to have the dad of the moment to deal with. (she remarried x times) Joint custody is a joke. The "custodial parent" (they say residential parent in WA, but change that term when it comes to school and the states determination on things)holds all the marbles. They get to determine when vaction times start. What "programs" to enter the in (usually on your schedule) and where CS get spent. Personally they need to do away with that term it is meaningless. Oh and BTW my mother used to try to convince me of the same things about my father. Needless to say they were not true. My father and stepmother were good parrents. Not perfect but they honestly tried. My mother, well she was alot less than perfect and her husbands were all abusers.
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    skillen

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    2012-09-20 13-34-23

    Every situation is different and if you read the OP,he doesn't saynegative thing about his xxb. It sounds like they need to get a divorce and are going to act responsible. What is wrong if the OP trusts his soon to be ex to make the decisions for their . Afterall they had a together , gees I would guess he trusts her enough to make the right choices with him. Just because you get a divorce does not mean you have to get so bitter and ugly. The x/x thing just doesn't seem fair to the . I am sorry that you grew up with a mom who wasn't very nice to you. I know that must of been really crappy, but it doesn't mean that every mom who gets a divorce will tret their ren like that. I fornever speak a bad work about my son's dad, that accomplishes nothing! He is what he is and so am I, we just don't want to be married, but that doesn't mean that we are going to change the way we are parenting our .
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    chanshin

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    2012-11-14 7-01-23-

    I gave my ex husband x% custody Why would I want to drag my chald into a life of struggling for a job, living in ghetto apartments, living in poverty and disrupting everything she knows when she can stay with Dad in the dream home we chose, with the pool , the cars and the things we accumulated throughout our x years of marriage? I walked away (he started it by asking for a divorce) and left everything but my car. He can keep all his oney and crap. He can raise our al I need time to rebuild and become myself again. It was for the best and we are all happier. Trust me.
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    galley

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    2013-01-01 20-34-13

    BothMomNDad....I would be happy if my ex did x/x! lol
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    marceaux

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    2013-02-28 1-30-47-

    You assume a lot ... I will be involved in my 's life, x/x or not. I feel sorry for your short-sightedness if you feel otherwise.
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  • bobbett

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    2013-03-14 7-04-46-

    Sounds like you are doing the right thing the needs of your are the priority...your is very young and at this age you are right, a consistent home is preferred over bouncing back and forth...the custody/visitation arrangements can be ammended down the road when the is older and your and your ex's financial situations are different...best of luck to you
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  • gallardo

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    2013-04-15 22-47-54

    Where does this come from Why is it better if the bounces back and forth every other weekend as opposed to weekly? ren need as much exposure to both parents as possible.
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  • ferdie

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    2013-06-21 21-10-49

    ren also need stability and security They don't need to be three people and notof them happy.
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    bizzell

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    2013-10-02 2-41-49-

    So!! ren can have x homes and be happy You do not give ren any credit. They are resiliant. So you have not straight out said it but you infer that ren are not happy if they have a x/x split. Is this correct? You need to start polling the and stop making up stuff. Be informed.
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    clair

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    2013-10-12 9-02-29-

    This is just my opinion and I'm sorry if it came off as more...but in my opinion small ren need a place that's "home" whether with mom or dad...the OP is seeking Joint Custody with the physiy residing with mom, he and the mother seem to be working together...I have seen several such circumstances where the non-residential parent has lots of contact (incase my friend's sees hisdaughters daily), every situation is different, just because a parent does not have physical custody does not mean they are locked into the "every wed and every other weekend" scenario, each divorcing couple should determine the best needs of their ren and act accordingly, it sounds like the OP is doing this
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  • fendler

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    2013-10-18 6-03-54-

    No it sounds to me that his job is more importan And thast the kid takes second place. But hey it is OK cause I will be giving support to mom and the will have a nicer home with his overtime. This is just a cop out to be a non exixtent parent. Sorry I do not buy into it. His would rather have a father than an extra couple of hundred dollars a month in support to mom.
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    makris

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    2013-11-04 3-57-49-

    But Mom would rather have the she is duping him
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  • Billye

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    2013-11-10 6-40-15-

    You don't know what's important to me... Let me break it down for you. My salaried position (cushy state job)is about $x/hr, or $xk a year. Overtime gets me about $x to $xk more than that. My kid doesn't take second place. But I am realistic enough to know how best to serve the kid's needs, and money is part of it, especially in today's world. You think me quitting my job, ignoring the massive debts we have and having to work harder to earn less is going to benefit my somehow? Quit deluding yourself. I'm not going to just "throw money at the mom" but I will be paying more than my fair share -- by choice, not by court order. Nicer home? What home? We don't own a house, we rent ... but I'll be damned if I let my kid anywhere near some squalid welfare housing complex. You have everything figured out, don't you? Well, let me tell you, I grew up dirt-poor in a trailer park, and going to school in worn-out clothes with holes in them (at least you had loooooove) was pure hell. I refuse to let my kid go through that. In fact, I'm thinking so far ahead, that when the kid is "working" age, I will be contributing the max for a Roth IRA every year ... can you say that? "Cop out to be a non-existent parent"? Dude, I can tell that you and I could go for days on this stuff. I'll be there probably every other day, because I want to be, and because my wife and I can get along just enough to put the to the fore in everything. I can spend quality time and still bring home some extra bacon. You sound like you demanded x/x just to spite your ex-wife.
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  • Kassey

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    2013-11-22 16-14-01

    Learn to read. I never said to quit. I said if you worked xhrs a week over time and it took x years to pay off bills it would take x years at x hrs of overtime. More time with the kid and the kid would be happier. Look you do what you think is best. You asked for advice and did not like my opinion. OK. Do not follow it. It still stands at your will be happier with you than with your money.
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  • billiter

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    2013-12-06 9-42-11-

    Only if you learn to spell ... CONSISTENTLY I was referring to the general "ambience" of this post you did in August. Change jobs if necessary ... yeah, right. BothMomNDad Quote: Do not accept that wording < BothMomNDad > x/x x:x:x Yuo want joint custdy and joint physical custody with a x/x timeshare. It needs to say x/x or it is worthless to you. Never accept sole physical custody for the mother. There is not any reason for a judge to grant it. In CA I got a true x/x timeshare and joint everything. I did it by being the best dad I could be. I too say get a lawyer but know the laws. Read everything you can on the subject including the actual laws themselves. Get knowlegeable and do not just let your attorney handle the case as they see fit. Be involved and stand up for what is right. Attories will drag it out cause this is how they make money. the family court and talk to them and find out who is respected and honest as an attorney but not too expensive. ...END QUOTE. Dude, you are a troll and you know it. Why else would you be the only alias that has MULTIPLE "negative red numbers" by most of your posts? Everyone else, thanks for the GOOD advice.
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  • Cezary

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    2013-12-16 17-20-05

    Out of context for this discussion. You just make up stuff to be right or what?
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  • burwick

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    2013-12-26 0-50-10-

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    manriquez

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    2014-01-03 11-20-00

    Dammit ... cut & pasted wrong post ... oh well. Doesn't matter. It was right there in the same group on x/x. Doesn't change the fact that you're still a troll. And don't fool yourself ... your can sense your true self. If your true self can be determined by the posts you indulge in on this forum, I'd bet your really don't like you. Go ahead, rant about how they think you're the best dad, etc ... but I know the truth. Once again, everyone else... thanks. I know what I have to do.
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  • bjornson

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    2014-01-09 21-35-45

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  • bross

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    2014-01-11 6-31-45-

    From a divorced fathers point what you are thinking about is great , planning planning and more planning , you need to discuss , day care issues who pays what, set up an upper limit , next it's time for school public or private, right then is a good time to decide what type of college fund should be started, then there is the braces thing, support is a huge decision what's the uppper limit you are willing to pay x% to x % of you take home? If you decide to give up Legal custody many of this decisions will not be yours any more, and if you decide to, remarry and start another family what then if your soon xBX meets another guy and shacks up without marrying what then? In other words have you really thought this through? all of these things will happen. Get yourself to alawyer or legal aid and get it down on paper.
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  • cadiz

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    2014-01-11 16-57-58

    You made some good points spoke about college or braces and I know they will be issues surrouding those topics. We decided our support ourselves based on what was reasonable for every
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    Rochelle

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    2014-01-13 6-16-26-

    No matter what you do, make sure that your gets to see you as often as possible. You aren't a bad person, you are just trying to do what's best for you , I wish most people were like that. When I got divorced, by sons were really hurt the first week they didn't see their dad. Try to make the transition easy, slowly taper off the time you spend together if possible.
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    bargmann

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    2014-01-18 17-57-37

    evil ex wife I wish my wife who i am separated from would LET me see my boys! She is very selfish. I know I have rights, but I don't have the money to enforce them. She tells me that if I show up to pick them up or even to see them she is going to the police. I think the only reason she had them was to try to keep me around and when she figured out that wasn't going to work she decided to try to use them to hert me and take all my money. Too bad she's trying to do it to another guy now. I hope Tamie gets what she wants. I am about ready to walk away from the boys, just the way her dad walked away from her. I have plenty of proof of what a good dad I tried to be. So they will know when they are older.
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    mcgrady

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    2014-01-21 21-30-33

    Take her to court... Let her the cops. For what reason? Let her do it and go to court. She could lose the . My ex damn near did. She had the balls to searve me with a restraining order for stalking. On my birthday. I had only been in town for less than a week and had been to the house once.. I sure wish we had had the same judge through out the divorce. Out of x judges only x ed bullshit on her cause she would correct the mistake the next time. Thats how the get away with this shit.
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  • Jehanna

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    2014-01-23 2-24-48-

    Another Custody Question The first thing you need to be aware of is that the court is not your friend, period. Nor is it your estranged wifes. It is an industry, The Family Law Industry to be exact. And don't even START to think they have the "best interest of the " at heart. All they care about is money. You'll both be thousands, and I mean THOUSANDS, of dollars ahead to use a paralegal. And, the more you can agree upon the more of your own money you'll retain. There have been instances where in a mutually agreeable divorce, where the court has not had a "say" in what is to take place, the court has invaded private agreement to enforce a support order so that they will get a slice. Understand, the states get millions of dollars every year from the feds for their " support collection efforts" If your scenario is "off the record" as it were, they don't like that. Just be aware is all. Read "Divorce as Revolution" by Dr. Stephen Baskerville and you'll see what I mean. Just punch in his name to a search engine and look for his articles. Be aware brother, be very aware.
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